What It Is Like To Be Me - A Girl With Aspergers Syndrome

My goal for this post is to give you an insight on what it is like for a person to have Aspergers Syndrome. 

Eye Contact:

Everyday I go out into the world feeling worried and fearful of situations where people will expect eye contact from me. I know I can't possibly possibly give it with absolute ease. Usually eye contact with me is awkward and they are left wondering why I can't look them in the eye.

It is impossible to tell everyone I have Aspergers.  I am not going to tell every shop keeper or person I come across.

Bullying:

I have been bullied! By people younger then me, the same age as me, even much older then me, including adults.

I have grown to fear people talking negatively about me. As I have experienced this most of my life.

This is where Aspies are sometimes called 'paranoid', which I can be at times. When I hear people mentioning my name, I instantly think its something bad about me. 

This is a result of the many times at school I had walked in on my peers speaking badly about me.

Friendship:

I need absoulute acceptance when it comes to friendship making and socializing which is so hard to find. Most of the time peers do not look beyond my Aspergers (they see its negatives, not its positives) to see my good qualities (In a few posts I have outlined what my qualities are and I think you can agree, they are the most things you want in a friend). 

I struggle very much to make friends, and I struggle even harder to keep them. I cannot count how many times my heart has been broken from as loss of a friendship.

Obviously:

I often say very obvious things. A little known fact:  Aspies like me need to release our thoughts. It is part of they way we process situations and our surroundings. Many people find this annoying though. Which is frustrating as we try very hard to contain our thoughts.

Literally:

One of the most common traits of Aspergers is being literal. For me this means I do not understand double meanings (I have learnt some but I have to think about them). It means I am easy to fool. This is where I have been the subject of many pranks. Because of this trait I often feel dumb or stupid.

In the past I have come home and cried for hours from a hard day at school of being pranked. Because no matter how hard I try, I know I cannot be what you call 'street smart' and socialize easily like other people my age do. 

School Work:

With school work, I am confident and I know when I have the chance to concentrate fully I can do amazing work. Maths is my strongest subject which I actually enjoy doing.

However in the school environment I can fail easily. Not because I lack intelligence,  but because of distractions. As well as having not been given enough time to complete my work to the best of my ability.

With my school work I use a lot of detail. Many times I have written a thousand words over the word limit.

As my mum has said often to my teachers; I produce less work, but the work I produce is of highest quality. This is in comparison to the average neurotypical students who produces lots of work of average standard.

Hobbies/Interests:

As an aspie girl I have a few hobbies. It is well known because of Aspies large attention span when it comes to things they like. We can be found in a corner at ten o'clock in the morning and found in the same place hours after dark when we are focusing on something that interests us.

Aspies can be shining stars when it comes to an interest.

This is hugely evident in the way Bill Gates (a fellow Aspie) became so successful with his computer programs. 

Personally, I like to photograph and make jewellery and I never fail to have amazing comments and compliments given to me.

Unaccepting People:

I deal with many people who are intolerant of me.

I am always left feeling like I am annoying them when I am simply being me and carrying out my tasks. It actually affects me deeply to be called annoying. I'm sure it affects other Aspies too.

I am excluded constantly, because people feel its easier to socialize with my other family members or friends who are non-aspies. Rather then myself.

Psychiatrists/Psychologists:

Having been officially diagnosed with Aspergers at 9 years old. Before and after then I have meet many many psychologists and doctors with so many different opinions; from OCD to just saying I am painfully shy.  I would say I have seen at least 10 different psychologists and psychiatrists in my life time and I know many of you would have similar experiences.

This has caused my family and I a lot of grief. An example of this is they have treated me for OCD, which did not work and only caused meltdowns. 

Many times I have felt hopeless, because of the psychiatrists inflexible thinking, they refuse to see the way my mum and I see it. They always have to be more right then the previous psychiatrists.

I have just giving you a number of my experiences with having Aspergers. This is what I have to deal with everyday and other Aspies too. 

~Molly xo